Emmanuel Goldstein

Once again Arizona has stepped forward with groundbreaking legislation after the State Senate passed on Wednesday, February 22, a bill that would allow the state to charge the organizers of peaceful protests with racketeering if rioting erupts. Among the niceties of the bill are civil asset forfeiture, allowing the state to seize the property of the protest organizers. How do you keep taxes low? By stealing! The bill awaits review in the State House of Representatives. The last time the Arizona legislature made such a big splash in the national news was 2010, when it led the way in the fight against illegal immigration with the "Show me your papers" bill that went all the way to the United States Supreme Court, which struck down three of its four provisions. The back and forth on that bill between Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and President Barack Obama ultimately led to the finger wagging incident (Yay, Jan!) on the tarmac of the Phoenix airport in 2012. A scene from 1984, starring John Hurt, Richard Burton, and Suzanna Hamilton. Lest we forget Obama and his usefulness, he's masquerading here as the hated Emmanuel Goldstein on the screen in the auditorium. This seems as good a time as any to propose an Alternative Constitution. There's no need to formalize things with a constitutional convention, though if one were really necessary there couldn't be two better candidates to co-chair the convention than Joe Arpaio, former sheriff of Maricopa County in Arizona, and Yvette Felarca, a leader of the violent "By Any Means Necessary" group in California. Both are tough-talking, no-nonsense types who will make sure things get done at the convention or they'll bust some heads to know the reasons why. Like Archie and the Meathead on All in the Family, they are opposite sides of the same coin, though not nearly as many laughs. All in the Family reminds us that politics colors nearly everything in life, like it or not. Here are some highlights of the Alternative Constitution: Amendment 1 - Congress shall make no some law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof ; or abridging the freedom of speech , or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances . Amendment 2 - A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, he right of the people to keep and bear Arms , shall not be infringed. Amendment 4 - The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized . Article 1, Section 9, Clause 8 - No Title of Nobility shall be granted by the United States: And no Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under them, shall, without the Consent of the Congress, accept of any present, Emolument , Office, or Title, of any kind whatever, from any King, Prince or foreign State. Cactus with flowers, a true gift of Arizona. Pretty good, huh? Feel free to alter the text yourself, and to print it out in ALL CAPS, if that suits your political bent. Nothing gets a point across like YELLING, after all. The Dated Constitution, or DC, will be kept around in the National Archives, where tourists can gawk at it and scholars can squabble about the nuances of its language. The late Justice Antonin Scalia, who soon may have a federal courthouse named after him in Charlottesville, Virginia, cleared the way for interpreting our most important national document by underscoring that freewheeling activist judicial decisions are BAD, except when rendering a judgment in a case such as Bush v. Gore, which was GOOD, and not activist at all. (To which Justice Clarence Thomas might have added, were he to speak, "Ditto!") No worries then with the Alternative Constitution, or AC, which will be the document of record for folks like University of California-Davis campus cop Lieutenant John Pike and the eloquent Zack Fisher of Phoenix, Arizona, both stout defenders of freedom against the despicable encroachments of sniveling protesters and pushy brown immigrants. Thanks to Arizona's new law, all these paid protesters will soon get their comeuppance when they try their shenanigans in The Grand Canyon State, and Supreme Leader at the helm in Washington is sure to have Arizona's back, regardless of what activist so-called judges may have to say about it. ― Ed.